1. Mid-February 2018, begin to experience severe head pain, gait impairment, speech impairment.
2. Fall 2018, enroll in Kaiser. See Kaiser PC who immediately wants to send me to Psychiatrist, does no examination.
3. Nov. 2018, obtain brain MRI.
4. Kaiser PC says brain MRI is "unusual," asks if I want to see a neurologist at Kaiser Memory Clinic (dementia).
5. I see first neurologist (not Memory Clinic). Neurologist does no examination, no neurological testing. Refers me to Kaiser Psychiatry. Says my problems are due to untreated anxiety and depression.
6. See second neurologist for second opinion. Second neurologist administers min-cognitive test, provides me with the answers, says "you don't have dementia." Does not do neurological exam. Refers me to psychiatrist. Does not wish to do further neurological testing as that would be "shooting in the dark."
7. Ask to see second neurologist again as condition worsens. Second neuro is now very concerned about the "course" quality of my voice and says "you may have IRREVERSIBLE DAMAGE." Twice. Refers me to speech therapist.
8. Speech therapist says I have Mild Cognitive Impairment.
9. 2019, see psychiatrist. Psychiatrist says MRI was abnormal, that my condition is most likely due to underlying physiological condition. Refers me for neurocognitive testing. I tell her I don't wish to have psychiatric medication. She says that's fine because we don't know what condition I have yet.
10. Psychologist who conducts neurocognitive testing says "neurology has signed off on you," says my neurocog testing is "invalid" because of my "anxiety" and refers me to same psychiatrist for medication. I decline to see psychiatrist. Psychologist diagnoses me with "Dependent Personality Disorder" because I brought a parent to our visit. I literally have trouble walking and speaking.
11. Psychologist calls me up and repeats reference to psychiatrist for medication. Again, I decline.
12. Psychologist contacts psychiatrist against my stated wishes. Psychiatrist's office calls so I can "make an appointment to get medication." I decline.
13. 2019, see fourth neurologist, who is Head of Neurology. Head says my MRI is "stone cold normal" (despite it showing cerebral atrophy and white matter disease, which concerned first PCP and psychiatrist). Says I have "conversion disorder" because I was not rehired for a one-semester teaching position in 2010. Says all my problems are due to psychological trauma. Refers me to a neuropsychiatrist.
14. I drop out of Kaiser care for two years due to frustration with system. Kaiser is all I can afford (through Covered California, the poor person's coverage) so it's not like I have a huge choice anyway.
15. 2022, at insistence of family go back to see a new Kaiser PCP. I insist that there will be no talk of psychology or psychiatry and that I wish to be evaluated for my physical problems alone. (If my dates are mixed up, apologies--cognition not what it used to be).
16. 2022 see fourth neurologist. Surly, seems angry with me for some reason. Takes my hands and literally puppeteers them while performing finger to nose test, so I am unable to do the test myself. Writes in notes "patient performed finger to nose successfully." Says my symptoms are "atypical" and that I "have no signs of a neurological disorder." Says my severe chronic head pain is "head discomfort." Says nothing about my gait other than it is "short-stepped."
17. Jan 2023 fourth neurologist agrees to do a PET scan, at my request. Does not inform me what the PET scan will check for. I assume, incorrectly, it will be for symptoms I actually have. Neurologist messages me that "PET scan will be normal." Also, "you do not have dementia." Also, "if PET scan shows dementia, I am referring you back to your PCP who will refer you to Memory Clinic Dr. Z."
18. PET scan performed. Results are abnormal, and radiologist recommends another PET scan do determine the presence of beta-amyloid plaque, a biomarker of Alzheimer's disease. It is at this point I discover PET scan was performed to distinguish Alzheimer's disease from Frontotemporal Degeneration. Two disease conditions neurologist has denied I have.
19. A week and a half later, neurologist messages me to say "your PET scan was normal" and reiterates that I have "no signs of a neurological condition."
20. I insist that the radiologist said PET scan was abnormal. Neurologist denies abnormality but consults with Dr. Z at Memory Care. (Remember him?)
21. I accidentally discover that Dr. Z has been convicted of "Gross Negligence" and nearly killed a patient under his care because he failed to send a patient to emergency surgery. I am concerned why he, of all people, has been consulted on my case.
22. Neurologist again denies abnormal, recommends psychiatry.
23. At my insistence neurologist again consults with "Gross Negligence" dude, who denies abnormality. I'm again recommended psychiatry.
24. At my insistence neurologist again consults with "Gross Negligence" dude, who denies abnormality. I'm again recommended a psychiatrist.
25. I ask neurologist point blank why he did not give me informed consent about PET scan, why he ordered it for a condition he never thought I had. Neurologist writes, "you asked for a PET scan, I gave you a PET scan."
26. I ask neurologist point blank a second time why they ordered PET scan for a condition they say I never had, neurologist repeats "you asked for a PET scan." I say that I did not ask for an ALZHEIMER'S PET scan as I do not have symptoms of Alzheimer's.
27. I ask my PCP whether I have symptoms of Alzheimer's. She does not respond.
28. I ask my PCP why PET scan was ordered even though neurologist found no symptoms of dementia or any other neurological disorder. Tell PCP neurologist has failed to answer same question two times now. PCP says contact neurologist.
29. I again contact neurologist, ask why given PET scan for a condition he doesn't think I have. Ask if I have signs or symptoms of dementia. Neurologist denies dementia and refers me to psychiatry. Again says "you asked for PET scan."
30. Again contact neurologist, say "I never asked for an Alzheimer's PET scan." Also "PET scan was abnormal. Please see radiologist's report."
31. File three grievances with Kaiser about fourth neurologist failing to provide me with informed consent over PET scan, failing to move on radiologist, hand puppeteering, etc. Also file grievance against the mysterious Dr. Z for failing to correctly identify abnormal PET scan results.
32. Kaiser Grievance Dept. offers me a "second opinion" neurologist, does not address any of my concerns about fourth neuro, refers me directly to Dr. Z for consultation on my PET scan results.
33. PCP recommends psychiatry.
34. Neurologist consults with Head of Neurology, Mr. "Stone Cold Normal." Head looks at radiologist's report, agrees with radiologist, ok's beta-amyloid PET scan.
35. As Kaiser Grievance has failed to give me any satisfaction for my complaints, escalate to Department of Managed Health Care.
36. DMHC immediately contacts me within the day I complained, due to severity and duration of my symptoms. Recommend filing a Grievance with Medical Board. Expedites my case.
37. I file a grievance with Medical Board.
38. Fourth neurologist orders beta-amyloid PET scan.
39. Fourth neurologist becomes "very upset" when they discover a grievance has been filed on my behalf (Medical Board does not disclose complainant's identity), messages me saying they do not wish to see me again. Refers me back to third neurologist, Mr. Stone Cold Normal.
40. Kaiser convenes a committee to review my requests made because of expedited case DMHC. Comes back and denies all my requests, including beta-amyloid PET scan, on the basis that "you do not have clinical signs of Alzheimer's based on your medical record."
41. I ask Head of Neurology point blank if Fourth Neurologist found signs or symptoms of Alzheimer's. HON says no. Also says beta-amyloid PET scan is proceeding ahead because of abnormal results of first PET scan (consistent with early stage Alzheimer's).
42. I file a grievance with Kaiser over the "very upset" message.
43. Head of Neurology away from office between March 15 and March 21.
44. Kaiser Grievance Operations replies to "very upset" grievance that "Team Lead" contacted them March 19 (a Sunday, when KGO office and Neurology Office were both closed). Says "Team Lead" stated they had contacted me. However, nobody from Neurology had contacted me during that period about fourth neurologist or anything else. Also, that "this" has been referred to Kaiser Legal."
45. HON returns to office March 21. I contact them and ask who Team Lead is, they respond it is they, HON. HON "doesn't know anything" about fourth neurologist/grievance/first PET scan as that was "two months ago." Perhaps HON does not know how to pick up a phone to contact their employee???
46. I contact Grievance Operations directly. They deny Team Lead is Head of Neurology. I say Team Lead self-identified as Head of Neurology. They continue to deny Team Lead is HON. I say nobody from Neurology Department had contacted me about fourth neuro/grievance/anything between March 16 (when grievance was filed) and March 19th (when "contact" made between "Team Lead" and Grievance. Grievance Op says "contact was made before" March 16.
47. Also Grievance Operations: states three times that "contact" was made in May 2023. Gets snippy when I point out that May has not occurred yet.
48. Five plus years later, my condition continues to deteriorate. I have trouble forming words. I have trouble walking. I am seeing a physical therapist because I can't walk in a straight line and my coordination is shot. I'm seeing an acupuncturist because my pain is off the charts. I'm seeing a speech therapist to try to relearn how to talk.

This is an incredibly overdue follow-up to this post that I had originally put off writing because I realized the necessary context would make it long, but then completely forgotten about until recently. Sorry about the wait, folks! There is, of course, a TL;DR at the bottom, but I wanted to include the larger context for those interested in just hearing some D&D stories.
The next session began a few weeks later, and I was prepared for the party to resume debating the 'best' way to take advantage of what they thought were their new Wish spells, but they actually didn't jump right back into it. I went through the recap, and they pretty much immediately began exploring deeper into the dungeon.
'The Lich's Library' was the name of the dungeon they were in, and it was a fairly large homebrew affair with something like a dozen bosses (though not quite approaching 'megadungeon' size). Over a thousand years ago, it was slowly constructed deep within the earth by a wizard to serve as a palatial home for himself and his beloved. When she began to waste away from disease, he burned through his wealth trying everything possible to see her saved. When she died, he immediately turned to attempting to find a way to bring her back to life. His hopeless quest eventually led to lichdom.
The part of the dungeon that they were exploring was the level that once served as the 'mansion' of the married couple. It was also the only part of the dungeon that the lich (by and large) didn't mess with; too many painful memories for this now-evil creature of undeath. This meant that the majority of the enemies in this section came from the Underdark (a passage had naturally opened some 400 years ago). It was in this section that they encountered the Beating Yew.
The Beating Yew was once four trees that stood at the end of the massive underground garden the wizard had created for his wife. The ceiling and walls were enchanted to make it look like it the garden was outside, with beautiful 'weather' at all times. Despite the lich's absence from this wing, however, the evil of his magic began to permeate it; the vegetation in the garden eventually grew twisted and sickly, and the four large trees at the end fused together and became an animate, carnivorous plant creature. The fight went fairly well, but the cleric was already fairly injured from an earlier encounter with an illithid known as 'the Swordsman.' He dropped.
Uh-oh. The party had a backup healer--a druid. The problem is, said druid was currently trapped in the Shadowfell (the player had to step away from the game for a bit, so he and I did some stuff on the side for his story). The other party members present were Barbarian, Rogue, and Sorcerer. We were playing 3.5, so every round that passed, Cleric was getting closer to death, with only a 10% chance of stabilizing. I'm not too worried, because I know that Rogue has potions. Rogue, on the other hand, isn't bringing up her potions because she thinks Sorcerer has more potions. Sorcerer, in fact, does have more potions, but he knows they aren't going to be as effective as a magic wish.
He pulled out the Monkey's Paw and said, "I wish that, on a scale from 1-100, Cleric felt like he was at 100. Actually, 105." See, earlier in the session, they had asked how injured a boss looked. I'd told them, "He's pretty messed up. On a scale from 1-97, he's probably feeling like a firm 14."
One of the two outstretched fingers closed inwards, and after a moment the party at large realizes that Cleric doesn't look so good, bro. His skin was flushed, and he was twitching and groaning in his unconscious state. Rogue made a Heal check and finds out that he's got a dangerously high fever. Sorcerer's player looked at me with a slack jaw and says one of the favorite things I've ever heard at my table: "Motherfucker invented Fahrenheit on us."
The infection that was racing through cleric's system as a result of their battle would keep him from regaining consciousness until it was dealt with (Cleric's player was absent that session, so it's not like he was being sidelined for the challenge). Through a series of Heal checks and player ingenuity, they were able to break Cleric's fever and by using the potions that they always had they got him back to consciousness. Cleric used his own healing when he was back up to get himself up to full health again. "Why are my clothes wet?"
Here's the thing: I didn't know it at the time, but what Sorcerer took away was 'Don't use any jokes in your wish or it will go wrong.' He thought the issue was one of wording, and that the only reason the first wish went awry was because he hadn't phrased it 'seriously' enough. At this point, I thought that it was obvious that the Paw was cursed and they'd lock it away until they could get the curse cleansed. Nope.
Later in the dungeon, they found a locked room with a large, pristine pool--apparently untouched since the days when these halls were inhabited by the living. The pool was filled with impossibly clear water, and there was a faintly chemical scent in the air. "Chlorine," one of the players chuckled. It wasn't.
Once they saw the metal chest deep at the bottom of the pool, they started to realize something was amiss. Barbarian reaches down to test the water's temperature. Her finger starts itching--like, a lot. She starts scratching, some flesh comes off. She takes a point of acid damage. "Hey, guys--not water."
They start brainstorming as to how they can get the chest at the bottom of the pool (it contained the lich's enchanted wedding ring, but they didn't know that yet). They had some cool ideas that I was interested in seeing play out, including Barbarian's offer to just get really pissed off before she jumps into the pool and swims to the bottom.
Sorcerer had a better idea. He pulled out the Paw. "I wish that all of the acid in this pool was replaced with water." The last finger on the paw closed. The last of the magic enchanting the item dissipated.
The dungeon had been created some 1,200 years ago, and at that time there was a large underground reservoir--part of the Underdark--about a half-mile away. Since that time, the earth has shifted and moved, and for about 300 years a section of that reservoir had pressed up against the roof of this room.
The roof cracked. Rogue and Barbarian both heard it and looked up. A spiderweb of cracks was slowly unfolding across the ceiling. Neither was quite sure what was happening. Then a wagon-sized chunk of rock fell into the pool, followed by a torrent of water. Acid surged up in response, hissing and bubbling violently as it reacted to the water flooding into it. The party bolted, the acid rapidly following them into the hallway. A series of checks ensue as they pelted towards the safety of the stairs.
The rest of the party (including Druid, who returned that very session) roasted Sorcerer for using the Paw again. Sorcerer (and his player) took it on the chin, and admitted that he hadn't really realized that it was truly cursed. "I figured as long as I could figure out just the exact right words to use, we'd be good." Nah, man. "Yeah, I know that now. Hey, at least now we don't have to deal with the acid in the pool. It's gotta drain eventually, right?"
They left the dungeon that day, returning a few days later. Once they returned to this particular part of the dungeon, the 'waterfall' had ended, and the acid and water had indeed largely drained into the Underdark through another tunnel. The room with the pool was not occupied with a creature that had fallen in through the roof--a Deepwater Cobra, a huge fire-breathing sea serpent. They killed the creature and dove in for the chest, and the ring ended up being quite a boon to the party (it provided a bonus to AC and to saves).
That's basically the whole tale of the Monkey's Paw! This campaign sadly ended a few months later when Cleric and Rogue had to drop out, but the remaining three welcomed two new players and rolled new characters for a sailing campaign featuring a ship that can travel to the Astral Sea and beyond. Sorcerer now plays a swordchucks-wielding monk, Barbarian plays a dual-wielding ranger with a penchant for axes, and Druid plays a bard with a predilection for mushrooms from the Feywild that have...effects.
TL;DR:
Wish one: "I wish that, on a scale from 1-100, Cleric felt like he was at 100. Actually, 105." The cleric, instead of being healed, broke out into a terrible fever and the party had to rush to keep him alive.
Wish two: "I wish that all of the acid in this pool was replaced with water." Underground reservoir breaks through the ceiling, flooding the room with a combination of acid and water. The party departs, and later finds a very large creature fell through the same hole.

[<< First] [< Previous] [Next >]
​
Synopsis:
Juliette Contzen is a lazy, good-for-nothing princess. Overshadowed by her siblings, she's left with little to do but nap, read … and occasionally cut the falling raindrops with her sword. Spotted one day by an astonished adventurer, he insists on grading Juliette's swordsmanship, then promptly has a mental breakdown at the result.
Soon after, Juliette is given the news that her kingdom is on the brink of bankruptcy. At threat of being married off, the lazy princess vows to do whatever it takes to maintain her current lifestyle, and taking matters into her own hands, escapes in the middle of the night in order to restore her kingdom's finances.
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Action, Fantasy, Copious Ohohohohos.
​
Chapter 4: Best Laid Plans
I was pacing about my bedroom when I should have been dreaming about tomorrow's breakfast.
Behind my window, the moon was so large that it almost seemed to be watching over my antics. With few clouds to block its view, it had every balcony seat in the theatre to be entertained by my relentless strides as I shuttled back and forth from my wardrobe to my mirror.
Yes, I was currently making one of the hardest decisions of my life.
“Bright colours will suit spring and summer, but will look gaudy come autumn. Dark colours are more forgiving, but will make me appear aloof and unapproachable ...”
It was deciding what to wear for my journey ahead.
That's right! I will restore our kingdom's finances through whatever means possible! And that meant … leaving my bedroom!
It was plain to me that I could no longer ride on the coat-tails of my family. My mother, father and siblings were all striving towards the kingdom's prosperity. I, alone, cannot bear the shame of inaction. Especially if inaction meant looming poverty!
How could this situation have transpired? Were our fields not verdant and green? Were our forests not ancient and tall? Were our mines not deep and bountiful? From the shores of our western bay to the mountains of our eastern hinterlands, the Kingdom of Tirea was awash with resources that were the envy of the world over!
How, then, did things come to be so dire?
Civil unrest, deteriorating security, organised crime, border skirmishes, rebellion, failing industries, loss of merchant shipping … I couldn't imagine what succession of travesties had occurred that would cause so much to go wrong. And I didn't intend to find out by meekly sitting in my room and begging for answers.
No … I could no longer rely on others. This was a crisis I must solve. My very ability to pretend I enjoyed escargots au beurre persillé while stealthily tossing it beneath the table depended on it.
I came to an abrupt halt. I was putting the cart before the horse. It was very important, true, but before I decided what I wore, I needed to decide on what I wanted to do and where I was going.
To start with, then ... a step-by-step action plan!
Step 1: Discover what wrongs are plaguing this kingdom, and fix everything!
The clock by my mantle ticked audibly as I waited for my brain to conjure up additional steps to follow.
None came.
Wait, was that it … ?
Well, what else was there to do? Clearly, our sources of income were failing us. In that case, all I had to do was see to the issue in person!
Undoubtedly, my family and our retainers would have approached the sources of our kingdom's problems already. As a result, their failure to reverse declines suggests it wasn't something a mere royal visit could solve. Or more specifically, something that simply stamping the boot of authority couldn't solve.
Normally, that'd be an issue for me as well. However, as someone with overwhelming confidence due to never having tried anything that could result in failure, I was extremely upbeat about my own abilities.
That's right! My success rate was 100%. And until the day I tasted failure, I intended to abuse that winning streak for as long as I can. Ohohoho!
I went to my bedside table and picked up a parchment and quill.
Dearest Mother and Father,
In keeping with the traditions of our family, I will be undertaking a royal tour of our kingdom. Please be assured that I will use this opportunity to see to the needs of our people and to honour the dignity of this House. When I return, I will be worthy to hold the title of princess.
Do not allow the kitchen to braise confit de canard with hot oranges ever again. It is disgusting.
Juliette.
I nodded, satisfied at my detailed penmanship.
Strictly speaking, it was only the crown prince or princess who undertook a royal tour of duty, and usually just before their ascension. But there was precedent for greater participation in times of civil unrest.
My letter complete, I resumed my search for suitable attire. Travelling attire, at that. And one which didn't scream royalty. A highly difficult task. And yet one I had to succeed at for this endeavour to bear fruit. Long gowns, excessive frills and pandering crowds would hinder my walk even to the nearby village outside the Royal Villa.
Yes. Walk.
Even thinking the word caused my very spine to shudder. To use my own legs instead of a horse. It's a wonder I didn't search for a hoe to carry with me too. Yet such burdens on my soul were necessary.
As this journey would most certainly be forbidden by both Mother and Father, I needed to make my way to the village by myself. And also leave there by myself. I could not stay within the vicinity of the Royal Villa. I'd need to find a means of transporting myself to wherever the kingdom's ills are most severe.
Fortunately, time was on my side. It would be midday at least before the maids grew concerned that the food outside my room hadn't been touched or thrown back out. Time enough to be on my way to my destination.
But where was that?
Before I knew which problem to fix, I needed to know the true extent of them.
I needed to assess the state of the kingdom. That much was clear. And from an unbiased source. I doubted if anyone within these walls would give me an account untouched by a curtain of kindness.
“Hmm. I suppose this will suffice.”
Having scoured my wardrobe from top to bottom, I'd accumulated a set of clothes that could substitute as travelling attire.
It was the most informal pieces of clothing I owned, and would never see the light of day in a royal function. Even so, it was enough to clearly distinguish me as a nobleman's daughter.
Dark boots and high leggings. A patterned skirt and a square buckled belt. A small shoulder cape tied with a red ribbon. A grey sleeved tunic and white gloves. My experience with aristocratic families told me I'd fit well with a merchant baron's household.
With my clothes settled, I attached my sword, Starlight Grace, to my new belt.
Clothes? Yes.
Equipment? Sword.
Belongings? None.
Hmm. I couldn't help but wonder if I was missing something. My lack of experience with midnight escapades was beginning to show itself, wasn't it?
I looked in the mirror and adjusted my hairband. A small, black rose decorated the side. My personal sigil, should I ever choose to adopt one.
There. Better.
And with that—
It was time to depart.
​
[<< First] [< Previous] [Next >]

My foot pushed down harder on the accelerator as my stomach cramped up again in a painful spasm. I was speeding through a schoolzone, and as a sign popped up on the side of the road clearly stating '20' I snapped out of my desperate panic and reluctantly dropped from '40' down to '25'. Turning a corner I realized to my horror that it was three o'clock, and the street was mobbed with parents buzzing in and out of the building to collect their children.
I turned to look behind me and I nearly lost it, my asshole puckering as I sucked the poison back inside. I was completely boxed in. Another four cars had already trapped me inside. I smashed the horn, pleading with the traffic on either side to budge. They didn't.
After a gruelling seven and a half agonising minutes and a half hearted search for some sort of viable receptacle and something other than socks to wipe with, the blockage finally gave way. The cars slowly began to move forward. Eagerly creeping behind, I saw the problem. Somebody had broken down right there by the school gates, having finally been repaired and sent along. A wave of relief washed over me as I considered the short journey ahead. The Porsche dealership was a little over a mile away. A dealership which had a bathroom, one I'd used before. Afterall, that's where I'd bought my car. They knew me, and I knew I'd be able to breeze on in, no questions asked. A deep growling rumbled out over the radio and I put my foot down again as soon as I broke through onto the main road. Just a straight shot, and it would all be over.
Not a minute passed until I was once again utterly dismayed, near losing all hope; ready to just give up right there and then and ruin a perfectly decent pair of black suit pants and the interior of my beautiful brand new Porsche's two-colour interior, characterized by a perfectly coordinated interplay of colours, materials and individual finishes suited just for me. A red light shone in the distance, and in its wake sat a long line of idling cars. Lesser cars, all in my way. My gut quaked violently and sharp pains erupted all through my midsection, sweat pouring down my back and growing sticky in the afternoon heat. I peeled myself from the smooth-finish leather, craning my head out the open window just enough to get a good shout across and I screamed as loudly as the rapidly building pressure would allow, but once again my efforts were futile.
Another minute, now five since I first stared down the crimson cyclops - FIVE minutes at a red light - before at last I was granted passage as everyone finally moved along. Taking their sweet time, of course. I took the left, screeching into the Porsche customer parking lot. The engine stayed on and the keys stayed in, I didn't even close the door behind me. There was no time. The car was the least of my concerns at that point, there was only one thing on my mind.
Shoulder-barging through the glass doors, it's as if my vision became tunneled as I focused in on that bright shining door located at the far wall emblazoned with the sign identifying it as a toilet. And only a little bit past two rows of Porsche's that were only slightly better than mine, I was so close. An audible grunt escaped my pursed lips. As I rushed past the reception desk, something grabbed me. It was Gina. Fucking Gina.
"Mr Kleinfeld? Hi! Lovely to see you again! There aren't any problems with the car, are there?" She looked concerned on the surface but only about as far as it might affect her status as the dealership's top salesperson that month.
"What?!" I caught myself before I let slip just how much pain I was in, confused as to why I wasn't just making a break for it. "Oh? No it's… it's amazing. Fantastic, even. It's just… the thing is…"
Gina raised an eyebrow behind her thick hipster glasses. Functional, yet chic. Now appearing sincerely concerned.
"CAN I USE YOUR BATHROOM!?" The words piled out fast and hard in more of a shriek than a polite request. Gina took a small surprised step back before replying apologetically,
"I'm so sorry, but it'll be closed until at least Five. We've had a plumbing issue this morning a-"
My bodily functions erupted loudly against my will, interrupting the dealership's most enterprising saleswoman midsentence as a fetid smell akin to what I imagine a genocide reeks like filled the spacious area, floor to ceiling, within seconds. I stood there in shock, as did Gina. We maintained an uncomfortable mutual stare for a moment before my feet automatically began backing away; unconsciously desperate to escape the nightmare on my stunned behalf.
Others began to correlate the stench with my shuffling presence and two or three pointed in my direction, outing my soiled situation to their small groups of co-workers.
"Don't look at me!" I yelled as involuntarily as I'd emptied my bowels as I crossed the threshold back into the lot, my shrill echo booming as everyone who hadn't previously noticed my embarrassment did then at that exact moment. My mind was racing, while also simultaneously completely blank in an odd mix of trauma, shame, panic and despair. My reputation, tarnished in the blink of an eye like my work slacks.
I got to my still open and blinking Porsche, removed the bottom half of my attire and dumped it all right there beside me on the ground, socks included. They were someone else's problem now. With a quick wipe using the discarded clothing I hopped back inside and sped away from the scene, the smell haunting me the whole way like the memory of that day will haunt my every waking moment forever.
An hour's drive home later and I was sitting outside my house afraid to go inside. I didn't tell my wife what happened to me when she greeted me at the front door, balls out, instead storming upstairs to hide in the shower, opting for the inevitable rumor mill to do the job instead. We never spoke of it, ever. I never spoke about much of anything after that…

listen. so i was just sitting on the couch when i suddenly realized that someone in rzen appears to have been writing comments that where probably chinese characters in english. like you are writing in english, but as if you were thinking in chinese and then making a direct translation of chinese characters into english words
so if someone was to translate those words you wrote from english into chinese, they would come out in some form of chinese as if they were actually spoken originally in chinese, and not in english
i didn't know who it was, so i searched posts until i found one and it was you ”
my reply
well i have read a lot of chinese poetry (in translation of course as i can't read any chinese) and they do think a bit different, more semantically dense and minimally grammatic than english and basically targeted at an intelligent literate audience which was the administrative class, the same class that supported ch’an
its interesting to compare chinese poems with ryōkan who was writing for a general audience, often farmers and tonally, they are quite different
you have made a very interesting comment thanks
the cornea is the most nerve dense organ in the body, interfere with it at your peril !
we are so dependent on our eyes for our quality of life that any problems considerably degrade that
glittering seas
sonorous mountain tops
verdant valleys and trinkling streams
they do not last
because we do not last
the problem with post modernism and its critique on power (of itself not wrong) is that they take it a step further and apply a utopian value system and attempt to create a uniform distribution that historically has never worked, the constant of power in reality always being confined to small groups who try to maintain it with varying degrees of ferocity
"woke" is an example of this postmodernist theory, fortunately so flawed in its inconsistencies and the general level of retardation in its adherents that it is not a serious threat to the existing social order in the way bolshevism was though there is an undercurrent of marxism
art
is
intelligent
insanity
a solution (of the equations of string theory) is an approximation to a quantum state which is what really describes the universe
the mind is a prediction machine, its constantly involved in this sort of activity just to keep a formed world about you
faux religious ideas based on some sort of zero mental activity state like "the cessation of suffering", god’s peace, nirvana are just the usual craziness
even sleep is highly active with drastic functional shifts in the brain
not a nigerian princeling or general’s daughter with problems hiding what is rightfully theirs from an unjust world, but the real thing
Nazi Party = NAtional soZIalist German Workers’ Party; and its level of stupidity can be gauged by its forcing half the team who worked on the theory enabling the development of the atomic bomb to flee germany because they were jewish and one of those (otto frisch) ended up instrumental in the manhatten project along with many other émigrés who no doubt advanced the timetable by years
interestingly german scientists were very lukewarm on the prospects of an atomic bomb in WW2, fortunately for the allies as the japanese were surprisingly advanced in the development of a bomb and a well funded combined effort may have seen them producing such a weapon about the same time as the americans
another effect of the "diaspora" from germany and europe was the rise of hollywood with the incredible influx of entertainment talent
anybody reading about the last weeks in the berlin bunker can only come away thinking what a bunch of insane stupids !
interestingly hitler was deliberately childless and yet indirectly killed more than almost any-one else ever
endless the monks
asserting themselves against the master
who tells them
neither truth
nor falsity
failing to understand
they waste their time
the zen koan
"there are no teachers of zen"
well
it turns out
there is no zen either
women’s make-up has always been a black hole of toxicity and lack of regulation
the problem with eihei dogen, is not eihei himself but his elevation into a "cult god" by the soto zen sect and his writings are literally scripture than cannot be questioned by the faithful
when you can’t ask, "what if he’s wrong", then there is a problem
its a very christian paradigm actually and the worst is the monotonous bores who drone on and on with some wacked out "interpretations" of his more voynichated writings
unlike a lot of zen
ryōkan was real person
and those poems he wrote he actually wrote
and the places he wrote about
were real places
actually he was a poet, zen is their own claim
so its not surprising he was real
ed. there is a better than usual translation of ryōkan by john stevens called "dewdrops on a lotus leaf" , a lot of what is out there is stupid soppy designed to indoctrinate
roads
weave apart
intersect
and come together again
a succession of moments of truth
only to fragment
into the nothingness
of the unbenign
fog
of
life
stories
the insane tell themselves
and you
neither fantasy or reality
outside the boundaries
they have
a surprising salience
computation
the solving of problems
a vast meta in itself
yet how to
unsolve
the solved ?
looking at the strange characters of urdu
incomprehensible
yet to another will speak a clear understanding
so is life and we to each other
borderline personality disorder is a no exit street, fail to learn how to recognize it at your peril !
these gaslighting manipulators bring disaster to all around them
women are not like men, they can’t reason their way into "love". either they love you or they don’t !
sleep
some realm of somewhere
other than here
the brain
a
pinwheel
rolling along
a railway track
always
unstable
exegesis
the impaired
commenting
on
impairment
polynomial time = nondeterministic polynomial time
problems that can be solved
and problems that can’t be solved
but for which
solutions can be verified
the solution of the solving
has yet to be verified
who would have thought rupert murdoch would be such a vigorous old fool ?
four and now five wives
and he still doesn’t understand women
wealth being honey to flies
how we are born
what we are born into
the dice of existence
rolled for the first time
oppressive
difference
asynchronous
with this
life
as we know it
commonality
bites
like
an executors
axe
or burns
like an
immolation
i think emily bronte picked up TB at the "clergy daughter’s school" at cowan bridge as she felt her health was never the same after being there, it can remain latent for decades
the harm that boarding school did to the brontë family was beyond tragic, a deep colour that pervaded all that was to follow
i agree with this video , she was autistic
i am sure the sisters together had an accelerated artistic development through their mutual interaction, hence the very high quality of their writings so young
writing
helps isolate ourselves
from
the common herd
and
their idiocy
the beauty of memory
can flower
in ourselves
“ people, i can’t stand them ”
what about yourself ?
“ i’m not a person ”
politicians and diplomats wouldn’t last a minute if they said what they really thought
the way of the world
putin is selling out russia to china and killing his own ethnic kin, its really bizarre
the universality of aphorisms and poetry
there’s nothing that cannot be expressed
only an endlessness of the yet to be discovered
is and is not
knitting
reality

My foot pushed down harder on the accelerator as my stomach cramped up again in a painful spasm. I was speeding through a schoolzone, and as a sign popped up on the side of the road clearly stating '20' I snapped out of my desperate panic and reluctantly dropped from '40' down to '25'. Turning a corner I realized to my horror that it was three o'clock, and the street was mobbed with parents buzzing in and out of the building to collect their children.
I turned to look behind me and I nearly lost it, my asshole puckering as I sucked the poison back inside. I was completely boxed in. Another four cars had already trapped me inside. I smashed the horn, pleading with the traffic on either side to budge. They didn't.
After a gruelling seven and a half agonising minutes and a half hearted search for some sort of viable receptacle and something other than socks to wipe with, the blockage finally gave way. The cars slowly began to move forward. Eagerly creeping behind, I saw the problem. Somebody had broken down right there by the school gates, having finally been repaired and sent along. A wave of relief washed over me as I considered the short journey ahead. The Porsche dealership was a little over a mile away. A dealership which had a bathroom, one I'd used before. Afterall, that's where I'd bought my car. They knew me, and I knew I'd be able to breeze on in, no questions asked. A deep growling rumbled out over the radio and I put my foot down again as soon as I broke through onto the main road. Just a straight shot, and it would all be over.
Not a minute passed until I was once again utterly dismayed, near losing all hope; ready to just give up right there and then and ruin a perfectly decent pair of black suit pants and the interior of my beautiful brand new Porsche's two-colour interior, characterized by a perfectly coordinated interplay of colours, materials and individual finishes suited just for me. A red light shone in the distance, and in its wake sat a long line of idling cars. Lesser cars, all in my way. My gut quaked violently and sharp pains erupted all through my midsection, sweat pouring down my back and growing sticky in the afternoon heat. I peeled myself from the smooth-finish leather, craning my head out the open window just enough to get a good shout across and I screamed as loudly as the rapidly building pressure would allow, but once again my efforts were futile.
Another minute, now five since I first stared down the crimson cyclops - FIVE minutes at a red light - before at last I was granted passage as everyone finally moved along. Taking their sweet time, of course. I took the left, screeching into the Porsche customer parking lot. The engine stayed on and the keys stayed in, I didn't even close the door behind me. There was no time. The car was the least of my concerns at that point, there was only one thing on my mind.
Shoulder-barging through the glass doors, it's as if my vision became tunneled as I focused in on that bright shining door located at the far wall emblazoned with the sign identifying it as a toilet. And only a little bit past two rows of Porsche's that were only slightly better than mine, I was so close. An audible grunt escaped my pursed lips. As I rushed past the reception desk, something grabbed me. It was Gina. Fucking Gina.
"Mr Kleinfeld? Hi! Lovely to see you again! There aren't any problems with the car, are there?" She looked concerned on the surface but only about as far as it might affect her status as the dealership's top salesperson that month.
"What?!" I caught myself before I let slip just how much pain I was in, confused as to why I wasn't just making a break for it. "Oh? No it's… it's amazing. Fantastic, even. It's just… the thing is…"
Gina raised an eyebrow behind her thick hipster glasses. Functional, yet chic. Now appearing sincerely concerned.
"CAN I USE YOUR BATHROOM!?" The words piled out fast and hard in more of a shriek than a polite request. Gina took a small surprised step back before replying apologetically,
"I'm so sorry, but it'll be closed until at least Five. We've had a plumbing issue this morning a-"
My bodily functions erupted loudly against my will, interrupting the dealership's most enterprising saleswoman midsentence as a fetid smell akin to what I imagine a genocide reeks like filled the spacious area, floor to ceiling, within seconds. I stood there in shock, as did Gina. We maintained an uncomfortable mutual stare for a moment before my feet automatically began backing away; unconsciously desperate to escape the nightmare on my stunned behalf.
Others began to correlate the stench with my shuffling presence and two or three pointed in my direction, outing my soiled situation to their small groups of co-workers.
"Don't look at me!" I yelled as involuntarily as I'd emptied my bowels as I crossed the threshold back into the lot, my shrill echo booming as everyone who hadn't previously noticed my embarrassment did then at that exact moment. My mind was racing, while also simultaneously completely blank in an odd mix of trauma, shame, panic and despair. My reputation, tarnished in the blink of an eye like my work slacks.
I got to my still open and blinking Porsche, removed the bottom half of my attire and dumped it all right there beside me on the ground, socks included. They were someone else's problem now. With a quick wipe using the discarded clothing I hopped back inside and sped away from the scene, the smell haunting me the whole way like the memory of that day will haunt my every waking moment forever.
An hour's drive home later and I was sitting outside my house afraid to go inside. I didn't tell my wife what happened to me when she greeted me at the front door, balls out, instead storming upstairs to hide in the shower, opting for the inevitable rumor mill to do the job instead. We never spoke of it, ever. I never spoke about much of anything after that…

Dear members of the Law of Attraction and Neville Goddard communities,
As someone who has dedicated a significant portion of my life to studying and understanding the teachings of Neville Goddard and the Law of Assumption, I am deeply disappointed and disheartened by the experiences I've had in these subreddits. I come to you now, bearing my heart and seeking understanding.
I have endeavored to share my insights and knowledge with others in these communities, hoping to help others on their journey towards self-discovery and transformation. In my posts, I have carefully crafted my words, weaving in timeless wisdom from the teachings of Neville Goddard and the Law of Assumption.
However, my attempts to contribute to these communities have been met with resistance and dismissal, simply because I speak with authority and promote my own website alongside the valuable content I provide. The Bible teaches us that "a worker is worthy of his wages" (Luke 10:7), and I believe that sharing my resources is a part of the Law of Gratitude and karma in action.
Why should someone who dedicates their life to studying and sharing wisdom be silenced, merely for promoting their own platform? Is it not hypocritical to reject the very principles of abundance, reciprocity, and collaboration that these teachings are built upon?
I ask you, fellow seekers of truth, to reflect upon these questions and consider the implications of such behavior in our communities. Are we not all on the same journey, striving to better ourselves and help others along the way? Let us open our hearts and minds to one another, embracing the wealth of knowledge and experience that each of us brings.
In the spirit of love, gratitude, and unity, let us break down these barriers and work together to create a more inclusive, nurturing, and empowering environment for all who seek wisdom and growth.
Yours in service, Gadwin Verd, a devoted student of life and spiritual concepts

Your weekend place to snark on the antics of your favorite influencers and bloggers.
​
Check out the weekly links post to find individual and off topic posts!
​
Please check the thread to see if the topic you want to bring up has already been discussed before posting (Add on to the existing conversation.) Also, don't forget to add your own snark, it'll help you from being downvoted.
​
Tips for the new/refreshers for the old - "snark" is a combination of the words snide + remark. It's witty, sarcastic, or irreverent commentary. Keep the comments fun or at least interesting. If the point of your post is to call someone out or demand accountability - save it.
​
Please check the rules before posting and please let the mods know via the report tool if you see a problem.

Hello! I recently made a post on the main Socionics reddit regarding my confusing between IEE and EIE. https://www.reddit.com/Socionics/comments/11xagi1/studying_socionics_confused_between_eie_and_iee/
I learned a lot from that thread and my conversations with others, and feel like I have a better grasp on the system. In order to not fill up the Socionics reddit with more type confusion stuff, I wanted to follow-up on here to see if someone would help me and continue probing me for questions/info about my type! I have a hard time seeing myself as myself without direct feedback from others, so I've hit a snag in terms of my thinking and research.
I attached parts of the questionnaire as well below, I tried to keep the answers brief since there's so many.
##Section 1
**1. How do you work? Why do people go to work? Are there any parameters that determine whether you can do work or not? What are they?*\*
I work in bursts, I have a hard time doing work unless its meaningful to me or benefits others in a way I can see. I think a lot of people go to work just to survive, not necessarily because they enjoy it. That's a system issue which I could go into, but for the sake of this questionnaire, I won't. I think the world would be better if people worked on what they were passionate about and enjoyed and could make a comfortable salary. When I don't agree with the morals/ethics of the work I'm doing, feel it is menial or detrimental to society, I tend to not want to work. Especially if I'm being ordered around. I usually like making my own decisions and being the leader. I'm indecisive, but can be decisive when it comes to figuring out what's best for others. I have a hard time working for myself. I have so many ideas that I'd like to launch and people have told me I have so much potential...but its hard for me to activate it and get going, because I just don't see myself as being that valuable as the wellbeing of others.
**2. How do you determine the quality of work? How do you determine the quality of a purchase? Do you pay any attention to it?*\*
Quality of work depends on the result. If the result is good, I feel it's okay even if the way it was completed was not "following procedure." Quality of purchase I usually determine by doing research on product and what others are saying. I usually like to get the best product I can even if its something small/not used often. I play a lot of attention to that, also along to how the product makes me feel.
**3. There is a professional next to you. How do you know they are a professional? How do you evaluate their skill?*\*
Usually based on their status or how other people perceive them. I can be a bit indifferent to a professional, I see people as pretty much equal regardless of their social status/standing. Usually I think there's too much hype around them and sometimes I won't really agree with societies perception if my understanding/experience differs.
**4. If you struggle to do something, how do you fix that? Do you know if your performance is better or worse than others?*\*
Usually I research or ask others. A lot of times I get stuck on my own in tasks related to myself. Like trying to understand myself. Usually once I talk to someone else I can get a better understanding of what I'm doing wrong and everything clicks. I used to play games competitively and would constantly make the same errors, unable to realizing them myself. Someone would point it out and change my thinking/approach and then I would be able to improve myself as if a weight was lifted. Usually I compare my performance to my past self, I'm most in competition with myself but I also compete against others in private. I want to outdo others, but I'm not cutthroat about it.
**5. How do you measure the success of a job? What standard do you use? Do you pay attention to it? When should you deviate from this standard?*\*
This is kind of hard for me to answer, I don't focus on the things in this section that much. Usually success for me means not failing or reaching the standard. I seem to prioritize avoiding failure more-so than reaching for success. Failure as in running out of town, losing out, making a fatal error...etc.
**Meta-analysis:*\*
This whole section is hard to answer, I don't really focus on it. Or well I only do when the need arises, it feels like I need to switch myself over to think about these things, but I'd much rather be invested in other more positive things and not think too much about this. It feels very business like, which I am able to do, but I do these things to achieve the goal of positive change in the world or helping others, reaching my vision.
​
##Section 2
**1. What is a whole? Can you identify its parts? Are the parts equivalent to the whole?*\*
I don't really know??? I think something is whole when it's fully fulfilled? I can identify the parts perhaps, but I don't know if they're equivalent? They're only equivalent if the whole is meaningful as well? Hard for me to answer this one.
**2. What does "logical" mean? What is your understanding? Do you think that it correlates with the common view? How do you know you are being logical?*\*
Logical to me is about consistency. I don't know if I'm logical or not, but I strive to be when it is needed. I don't really know how to tell, but perhaps I would say I'm being logical if I'm being consistent in my thoughts/methods. To follow-up, I think I can change myself to be almost anything depending on what is needed, but not for long. I think a lot of people feel they are more logical than they really are, especially people who try to remove emotions from the nature of things all together.
**3. What is hierarchy? Give examples of hierarchies. Do you need to follow it? Why or why not? Explain how hierarchy is used in a system you are familiar with.*\*
Basically things that have status over others. I play/love video games so one of my first thoughts are tier lists, they place certain characters in higher positions due to being innately stronger by whatever criteria is relevant to the game. I never really agreed with this because how can we say something is ALWAYS better than the other? For instance, a person can get really good at a specific characteplaystyle and dominate everyone else. I feel when people focus too much on following these things it becomes dogmatic and takes the fun out of things. Even if you want to win, what is the point if you're not doing it your own way? If you're always following what everyone else is doing, what is the point in anything because its no longer your life.
**4. What is classification? How does classification work? Why is it needed and where is it applied? Give examples.*\*
Assigning something to a group or discovering what group it belongs to. Like uncovering the nature of an animal by identifying what group it belongs to scientifically. It can be useful to easily identify similarities between different things or create a system that allows you to draw conclusions without extra work.
**5. Are your ideas consistent? How do you know they are consistent? How do you spot inconsistency in others' ideas?*\*
I would think that they aren't consistent. I don't think it matters though if they are consistent as long as the meaning behind them is consistent. For instance I can change the way I view things pretty easily (and myself) so I wouldn't say I'm a consistent person internally. Outside I can appear as such but its more of a survival based trait less of a natural one. I don't really look to critique inconsistency in others so it's not natural to me. Instead, I like to find certain errors and help a person improve them. Actually the more I think of it, it might be looking for inconsistency. I was always good at proofreading others work, not just for punctuation/grammar, but to see if their ideas make sense in the grand scheme of things. It's unconscious for me to do this, I don't put much thought into it and comes into my head naturally when I see something that feels "incorrect."
An example is when someone is drawing a conclusion and it feels like it's somewhat right, but goes to the state of being extreme. Maybe someone had a bad run-in with a certain gender or culture and they assume all of them are are the same...this doesn't feel right because even though one experience was that way, it's not correct/consistent to assume that all other experiences will be the same. Like correlation does not equal causation?
**Meta-analysis:*\*
This section felt a bit harder AT FIRST, but when I thought about it more I had an easier time answering than the first one. Again, I don't really focus on these things consciously, but they do annoy me when people can be a little dogmatic about it. I guess this whole section to me boils down to "right vs wrong" and "correct vs incorrect" I feel like something can be the correct approach even if its not moral/emotional/rational, but then something else kicks in and decides not to act on it if it doesn't meat that criteria.
---
##Section 3
**1. Can you press people? What methods do you use? How does it happen?*\*
Not really...I kind of struggle with this. Sometimes I get frustrated, because it seems that people always are standing in my way. Usually its when I'm trying to do something for the betterment of others, they like to hinder me from reaching that goal. I relate to maneuvering around them, I don't really run people over. Or I like outperform them passively...becoming more successful, working hard, becoming a bit more stubborn.
**2. How do you get what you want? What do you do if you have to work to get what you want?*\*
Usually getting what I want isn't something I'm concerned with, usually it's what others want that's more important. I usually don't mind doing the hard work if its for what others want...but for what I want it's kind of hard to put in the work.
**3. How do you deal with opposition? What methods do you use to defend your interests?*\*
I can become pretty stubborn. I'm not a person to rely on anger and blow up on people, I'm more likely to try to reason. But I feel like a lot of people can't be reasoned with now, so I try to find alternatives around the conflict.
**4. When do you think it's ok to occupy someone's space? Do you recognize it?*\*
Does this mean physical space or space as an abstract concept? I think physical space is okay (if it means like tendenot combative) when you're emotionally close to the person. I like giving hugs and being near those who I am close to! Otherwise it's probably not okay! I don't think about this at all really.
**5. Do others think you are a strong-willed person? Do you think you have a strong will?*\*
I think I can appear to be weak on the surface, but inside I can be stronger than I realize. Actually, I'm not sure if others see me as this way. I've always had people tell me that I'm stronger than them, stronger than anyone they've met. This is strength in an abstract way, not physical. Just being able to outlast, persevere, not give up, work harder, learn faster, etc. I relate to the concept of quiet strength. I'm at my strongest and best when I'm fighting for others though!
**Meta-analysis:*\*
These concepts are kind of weird, because I don't naturally fight others, but I do enjoy certain aggression. I relate to applying pressure or power or drive when other people aren't. For instance, I sometimes like to turn my brain off in games and brute force myself at opponents. I play a lot of support in games, but sometimes I enjoy fighting and don't normally healbot (just passively healing.) Rushing in headfirst is kind of a thrill.
Now that I think about it, I enjoy being active more than passive. I sometimes appear passive because I don't want to cause harm to others, but I enjoy aggression to an extent. More so passion and less of aggression. Being passionate with my emotions, with people I like, touchy-feely, etc! I love being hands on and like work when I can move around. Not physical labor necessarily, but things that keep me moving. I always learned best from actually experiencing something rather than being told. Again it takes a backseat to what other people want though, so I can turn it down if necessary, but it provides a good release of energy for me to be a little loose!
---
##Section 4
**1. How do you satisfy your physical senses? What examples can you give? What physical experiences are you drawn to?*\*
This is kind of embarrassing, but I feel like satisfying them is almost compulsive for me. I'm attracted to sweets and certain delicacies. I like drinks the most. Food I'm more ambivalent about. Drinks as in things like smoothies, boba tea I loveee, teas of all kinds, milkshakes, all kinds of sweet drinks. I don't drink or smoke, but I like the way these make me feel...like emotionally better.
Also can be a little sexual, but I hide this part from my public image. I think sexual desires are pretty natural and people act like they're more taboo. Not necessarily should be flaunted in a trashy way...but people should accept that its natural to be sexually attracted to people, have different tastes, and want to explore them? Like I can understand why people are turned-off from it, but I think it's not good to deny our own natural instincts.
Ok on top of that, I'm drawn to things like good feelings and rush of excitement/energy! I don't even have to be the one doing it, but seeing other people doing something cool, gives me goosebumps. ANOTHER BIG THING IS MUSIC. I love listening to music and it affects me emotionally. Like I get goosebumps easily from songs that touch me to core. Sound is very big for me, I rely on it for everything. Sight would be next or maybe touch.
I love to move around and run. I run pretty much everywhere which can be kind of weird. But I always wondered why people just walk places...? Like its so much more fun to run and you can get to where you're going faster. It's nice to run when its windy too, it creates the perfect atmosphere. I think I'm getting carried away so I'll stop here.
**2. How do you find harmony with your environment? How do you build a harmonious environment? What happens if this harmony is disturbed?*\*
Hmm, I don't really know. I don't understand somewhat. Harmony with my environment is it like being comfortable? Because I'm comfortable when everyone else around is comfortable. So I usually work to make others comfortable. Sometimes I wish I was on my own, because I feel I would be perfectly comfortable and not have to be oriented to everyone else all the time. I have lived like that before though and was pretty set in inertia/apathy, becoming a slave to my impulses.
For instance in college, I moved out of my family home and stayed in a solo dorm. It was nice having the freedom at first, but it started to reinforce my worse habits. Without external expectations/motivations, I couldn't find a reason to do much of anything. So I ended up not going to classes, not finishing my work, becoming sluggish. The more alone I stayed the more sluggish and worn down I became. Instead of correcting it, I turned to impulsive needs...binging TV and the like. It wasn't until I was forced out of that environment that I turned back to my normal self again.
So sometimes my harmony being disturbed is beneficial to wake me up out of inertia.
**3. What does comfort mean to you? How do you create it?*\*
Comfort means being in a good state that allows me to be emotionally stable. State as in a mindset, or harboring/staying true to positive emotional feelings. Being comfortable that I won't be attacked for being myself or not necessarily having to bend to the needs of everyone else. I...don't necessarily create it I'm usually forced into it after everything else falls to the wayside.
Outside of that, I sometimes force myself to have this comfort by taking time away from the outside world...while also being connected to the outside world? Like it could be picking up a book I've always wanted to read or manga/anime I've wanted to watch. Playing a game that is solo and just delving into the story. Or thinking about myself and life and what I want out of it. Basically I get the comfort when I focus on my needs for a change, and not everyone elses. OH comfort also comes when I have a guide/goal to follow. I don't like being restricted or forced to do something, but again I can feel aimless when there's no clear path, next steps, or goal for me to work towards. Again I start feeling like things are static and unchanging and it's depressing. So when I have something like that, I feel comfortable and really get in touch with my inner strength.
**4. How do you express yourself in your hobbies? How do you engage yourself with those things?*\*
OH this is fun! My hobbies are what's really real and true to me! Like I enjoy my hobbies and turn the knowledge I gain from them, experiences, and well the emotional energy into my pursuits in the real world. I'd feel most at home doing work related to my hobbies as long as it's benefiting the world in some way. I don't really have a preference for escaping or running away from problems using them. Sometimes it helps me quiet down my anxiety though.
My hobbies are writing, music, games, anime/manga, and collecting! I enjoy collecting things that are meaningful to me such as figurines...I also like crystals. Usually I represent these things and carry them with me to keep myself grounded and motivated. My wardrobe is based a lot on my hobbies as well.
My passion for these things usually is what takes me into new experiences, I became a leader and met most of my close relationships through my interests. I feel like it's a part I've come to neglect as I've gotten older because it takes a backseat to what I feel I need to do or should do to support others/my family. But its still very important to me.
​
**5. Tell us how you'd design any room, house or an office. Do you do it yourself, or trust someone else to do it? Why?*\*
I usually talk big and say I'd do it myself...then end up asking for help because I'm indecisive! When I was younger I was much more confident just relying on my own perception and likes/dislikes for what I made/designed. For some reason getting older made me less confident in my own ability to judge that, so sometimes I have to seek out others to tell me. I don't always like to do that though, because it loses it's personal meaning for me when I share too much of my interests/ideas with others. It doesn't feel special anymore.
**Meta-analysis:*\*
This section was really fun to write about! It also makes me feel a bit bad, because I feel like I've neglected myself here and should focus on this more.
---
##Section 5
**1. Is it acceptable to express emotions in public? Give examples of inappropriate expression of emotions.*\*
Yes I think it's acceptable as long as it's not overdone to the point of being phony/attention-seeking. Some things can be kind of trashy, such as excessive displays of affection. I think people are too harsh on others who display emotion out in the open though! Like those who end up crying due to the pressure/stress they face. I've always tried not to show my worse sides to maintain a certain image/stability. The times I've cried in public have been very few and could be counted on one hand. But I don't judge others for doing so.
**2. How do you express your emotions? Can you tell how your expressions affect others in a positive or negative way?*\*
I don't think I express them that well...at least in real life. I much prefer communicating my emotions via text and find it hard to be fully vulnerable with someone face-to-face. I don't think it's because I'm not emotional though, I relate to most things through emotion. It's just perhaps an insecurity that I gained due to the environment I was in. I've had harden myself to withstand some of worse parts of life and sometimes I feel people will think less of me if I'm fully myself. It slips out online though because its a place I'm much more comfortable with, almost with my family. Again just positive emotions, I tend to hide my negative emotions a bit better. When I was younger, I was described as having a poker face, but I would mostly keep a pleasant expression at most times.
**3. Are you able to change your demeanor in order to interact with your environment in a more or less suitable way? How do you determine what is suitable?*\*
It's not necessarily to interact with the environment, I feel I naturally become what people see in me. I have trouble typing myself because of this. If someone tells me I am IEE I will be an IEE. If someone says I'm EIE, I will act like that. My image will shift to match the expectations of others in a way. It's not even something I want to do, but I can't turn it off. It's more or less what's suitable, but what would make the person feel better.
**4. In what situations do you feel others' feelings? Can you give examples of when you wanted to improve the mood of others?*\*
Usually I feel emotion/feelings in regards to everything. Things (even objects) seem to be emotion colored. As in when I look at something in invokes some type of feeling. The same goes for anyone I'm interacting with. So of course I look for the best way to improve someones feelings. I had a struggle with this when I worked in education, I conflicted with other educators because they were focused on the accuracy of the material and doing things from their perspective. I was more focused on the students emotional/mental state and if they were feeling good/healthy. I felt they learned more when someone adequately addressed their needs holistically, as humans. More so than when the focus was on memorization of material.
**5. How do others' emotions affect you? How does your internal emotional state correlate or contrast with what you express?*\*
They affect me so much. Its almost like I absorb them. When I was younger people would describe me almost like a sponge...but unlike a sponge I wouldn't hold onto the emotions. It would go inside and flow through me, I'd experience it and then it'd flow out. Now I feel like I can hold onto them more when I'm less healthy. Usually my internal state is hard to portray. I try to express myself, but sometimes its hard to get the right words or adequately put the feeling into words. That's why I tend to focus so much more on others. Understanding everyone else is easier...myself is the real mystery.
**Meta-analysis:*\*
Again this section was easy for me to answer, but it felt a little more serious. Still not bad though!
##Section 6
**1. How can you tell how much emotional space there is between yourself and others? How can you affect this space?*\*
Don't really know how to answer this. I don't understand the concept of emotional space. Does this mean like a gap between my feelings and others? I feel like I only fee this when I'm alone then, when I'm with others the feelings merge together.
**2. How do you determine how much you like or dislike someone else? How does this affect your relationships?*\*
Usually based on how they treat others and what values they hold (also how they act on those values.) I don't really like individuals who are really controlling of others and judge them for their behavior, but honestly I can see a charm in most behavior quirks! Things that are just bad no matter like racism, sexism, homophobia, etc are pretty much non negotiable, especially if they're causing direct harm to others because of those values.
I also don't like when people try to overrun or discount my own values or try to shape my values into something they're not. This has caused me to end a few relationships. Sometimes I end up leaving the relationship because I've noticed how merged I am with my partner and it bothers me. I've lost some really good relationships though...when all that was needed were a few boundaries. So I regret this tendency.
**3. How do you move from a distant relationship to a close one? What are the distinguishing characteristics of a close relationship?*\*
This happens kind of naturally...but usually I become more engaged with someone who needs help. I make friends very easily, they usually end up seeking me out. I sometimes act as the person to do things for them, take initiative, while they're a bit more passive. I'm not necessarily seeking that role but I naturally meld into it. Most close friends/partners I had were due to me offering to help them and taking an interest in their development.
I mentioned this before but people tend to follow me around? Like physically and literally...look to me to lead them. I sometimes express discomfort on the service but I enjoy it being connected to a person this way and serving as a guide for them. Usually they help me by providing constant support/affection.
Close relationships are usually ones though where I can be my vulnerable self. They don't have as many expectations from me anymore and I can just be what I am. But I don't usually know what I am...so I hope they can help me find this too.
**4. How do you know that you are a moral person? Where do you draw your morality from? Do you believe others should share your beliefs on what's moral? Why?*\*
Hmm, I don't really know if I am one. I try to do the right thing, and that's pretty much it. There's not really anything else I think about, I only really know what bothers me when it occurs in a real situation. Real or maybe an example of one. I just try to do what's right for others and myself...but I learned being right is hard...sometimes and not clear cut. I don't think people need to share my beliefs, I don't think I'd force them on others. People just need to be respectful of others beliefs...but not if they're just pure hate. I think sometimes we're too tolerant to beliefs that are actually not beliefs just hate.
**5. Someone you care about is acting distant to you. How do you know when this attitude is a reflection of your relationship?*\*
Don't really know...I think I wouldn't really think of this as a relationship issue but more of something being wrong with the person. Usually when someone is consistently different, I don't have much drive to maintain contact.
**Meta-analysis:*\*
This sections feels a little abstract, so I can't really answer properly...I don't see things or relationships this way, the whole concept of "relationship" as something separate doesn't really occur to me. I just think of the other person.
---
##Section 7
**1. How can you tell someone has the potential to be a successful person? What qualities make a successful person and why?*\*
I think almost everyone has the potential to change themselves for the better. Success isn't about career, money, status...to me its more about utilizing your strengths and pursuing your passion to be what you want to be. If a person wants to live comfortable then that's their version of success. If another wants to be the president, that's their version. Neither are incorrect as long as they are happy and fulfilled.
**2. Where would you start when looking for a new hobby? How do you find new opportunities and how do you choose which would be best?*\*
Hmm I don't really go out looking for hobbies. My interests were formed naturally by things I felt a connection to. I have a hard time narrowing down new opportunities to ones that I'd really think are best but searching for them again seems pretty easy, like I don't need to think about it.
**3. How do you interpret the following statement: "Ideas don't need to be feasible in order to be worthwhile." Do you agree or disagree, and why?*\*
I don't really agree or disagree, because what is feasible? What is an example of an non-feasible idea? One that can't be applied realistically in this current moment? Well how do we know it can't be applied? Like who is the judge? I think almost anything can be possible, we just may not be aware of the method to make it possible yet. So I feel like any idea holds merit and shouldn't be constrained by what's real right now.
**4. Describe your thought process when relating the following ideas: swimming, chicken, sciences. Do you think that others would draw the same or different connections?*\*
Chickens may swim in lakes sometimes and a scientist might study why chickens are doing so. Perhaps this is unusual behavior for chickens to be swimming so they're taking an look into the cause of this behavior? Or maybe they found a way to enhance the taste of chicken by swimming through a certain body of water? That sounds really stupid but popped in my head! Perhaps someones an actual "chicken" or coward and swimming to get away from their science exam. There's many things I can think of with this haha. I don't think people would think the same, but there's so many things you could link this to.
Another one...there's been research on swimming science...perhaps a new swimming technique that replicates the movements of a chicken. Or maybe some scientists thought it'd be cool to eat chicken while swimming to get newfound inspiration? I could keep going but I'll stop because these sound stupid lol.
**5. How would you summarize the qualities that are essential to who you are? What kind of potential in you has yet to be actualized and why?*\*
I don't...really know. I mean I do know but also don't. The qualities most important to me are being open-minded and adaptable, being kind, having hope and perseverance. I would hate to become a close-minded, stuck in the mud person. I want to believe in things even if they're silly or unrealistic. Life is magical and I think people should take things less seriously some times. Not everything needs to be proved to have value.
Potential that has yet to be actualized...probably a lot. I feel like I could do a lot of good for this world and others, but I'm holding myself back. Why? I don't really know why, but perhaps I'm scared of being too much or even more so, scared of not being able to realize this. If I try my hardest and still fail, then what is left?
At the same time, I think other's see my potential more than I see it myself.
**Meta-analysis:*\*
Nothing much to say about this one, seemed pretty straightforward to me!
---
##Section 8
**1. How do people change? Can you describe how various events change people? Can others see those changes?*\*
Nature vs nurture is what comes to mind. Some people are dealt a hand and they may not change much from that. Others are changed by life and their circumstances. I think trauma is a big thing that changes people...also the demands of our world. The world we live in or well our "society" is not built to support everyone. It's not fair and it's not right, so I can see people being forced to change just to survive. This really bothers me. Other people can see those changes, but I think sometimes those who are lucky to fit well with this society tend to look the other way.
**2. How do you feel and experience time? Can time be wasted? How?*\*
I don't? I can sometimes pinpoint exactly what time it is without a clock. Other times I can be very off. I don't really think time is wasted unless you're doing something you don't like. If its fun its not a waste as its contributing to your wellness of spirit.
**3. Is there anything that cannot be described with words? What is it? If so, how can we understand what it is if language does not work?*\*
A lot of things...probably the inner nature of humans. For me, I can't express what I truly feel inside. It comes out somewhat, but it's never what I truly feel or imagine. There are other things like invisible bonds we have to others, things you just know without needing to explain. Being bonded or drawn to someone or something for no particular reason...you can't really describe it or what causes it...it just happens.
To understand it...well you can't really? At least not fully. If you could, it'd ruin the nature of it. To me this feels more like something spiritual than a material world issue.
**4. How do you anticipate events unfolding? How can you observe such unfoldments in your environment?*\*
Usually I can tell the direction something is headed by the patterns that are present. It doesn't need to be a direct correlation, there doesn't need to be proof...sometimes there's just a feeling. Knowing that its right, or at least being very sure. If asked to explain it can't really be explained...but you just know? Also based off past trends and behavior. I look at symbols or experiences I've had before or witnessed in different places (past experiences, representations in media, in other things.) Honestly I enjoy fiction because it teaches so much about why things happen and HOW they happen. So by understanding the cause/effect in fiction, you can identify the same in the real world.
**5. In what situations is timing important? How do you know the time is right to act? How do you feel about waiting for the right moment?*\*
There's an instinct to just do it. Like the meme, but I've always thought there's a lot of truth in it. I think you'll just know, but the question is less of knowing the time and more of getting yourself to have the courage to take the step. I've missed a lot of things because I knew the time was right...felt it to my core, but I didn't believe in it or myself enough to act on it. Those are my biggest regrets honestly. Of course I was instantly proven right, that I did actually know and I should've acted. But I just couldn't do it.
Waiting for the right moment has merit too! I do that sometimes when the answer isn't clear. Again its just a gut instinct, nothing concrete to base it off. When I feel it, I get a sense inside that I should wait. Almost like some inner voice tells me to wait it out. I'll try to force things sometimes, but it never goes well. It goes back to "just wait." Eventually the right time appears and I realize it was worth waiting for.
**Meta-analysis:*\*
I liked this section, it feels like a part of myself that was...lost to history, but was brought to light again.
THIS WAS A LOT TO WRITE. SORRY IF THERE ARE ERRORS. IF YOU READ THIS WHOLE THING THANKS SO MUCH FOR TAKING THE TIME TO HELP ME!

Hey Prospectors!
I recently finished making a Twitch Chat bot for the Cycle Frontier! As of right now it should be up to date with information based on Season 2. With this chat bot both viewers and streamers can have quick access to weapon, armor, item, and creature stats as well as instant access to item sale prices to traders and how much of an item you will need over the course of the season. This all may have to be tweaked with the release of season 3 but for now it still needs some testing, and I would love to get some feedback on the bot and what to change about it.
Here is a short video that I posted on Twitter that shows the bot doing its thing on Twitch. https://twitter.com/st0rmbreaker179/status/1620583462519599104
The bot is currently live on my Twitch Channel at all times, whether I am streaming or not if anyone wants to try it out. (Franky Storms on Twitch)
HOW TO GET ACCESS:
I did not want to spend any money making a website for the bot since I have no plans to make any money on the bot. Its free and will stay free. In order to get access to use the bot on your Twitch Channel there is an applications channel in my discord server linked here https://discord.gg/sTyCZrJ6GQ . Once you join the server and verify you're a human by reacting to the rules role message, you can scroll down to the TCFB0T category, click on applications, and post a screenshot of your Twitch username on Twitch. This is so there is proof that you are on Twitch and so I can easily spell it when adding you to the access list.
If there are any problems with the bot there is a bugs and issues channel to post any problems or suggestions.
For any updates to the bot there is a patches and updates channel for that information.
More importantly there is a channel for how to use the bot with a description on how it works, I will also put that information here.
TCFBOT TCFBOT is an asynchronous Twitch chat bot based on python. This bot has all of the cycle frontier information you could ever want. This includes quest, item, and creature info as well as weapon stats and trader pricing for most items. This gives you and your viewers instant access to TONS of information about The Cycle: Frontier without needing to go to any of the out of date wikis and websites that have, unfortunately, fallen behind. To apply for access to use TCFBOT please put your full twitch name in the applications channel below and I will personally add your name to the list of users. YOU WILL NEED TO MOD TCFBOT IN ORDER FOR THE BOT TO WORK CORRECTLY. Thank you.
Commands and how to use them.
All commands for this bot have the prefix “!”
Quests: All quest commands must use the full name and part number without any punctuation.
Example: Time For More Work Part 1 = !timeformoreworkpart1
Eventually all quests will have shorthand options to either leave out the word part or only put in the first letter of each word I.e. Time For More Work Part 1 = !tfmw1
Items: All item commands use the full item name in the command without any punctuation.
Example: Hardened Metals = !hardenedmetals
Creatures: All creature commands are simply the name of the creature without any punctuation prefixed by an !.
Example: Alpha Crusher = !alphacrusher
Consumables: These work the same as any other item command.
Example: Weak Med Kit = !weakmedkit
Weapons: Second verse, same as the first! Full item name with no punctuation.
Example: K-28 Pistol = !k28pistol or !k28
I am NOT a software engineer by any means and I had to learn some very basic python programming to be able to make this. This means that if anyone has any really good suggestions that significantly alter the code of the bot, it may take a while for me to figure it out lol.

I say " muvie" instead of " movie" because that's what a dear friend called it. I don't know who reads this ..but at least it's online now so it's not thrown directly into the " trashcan".. something I always go back to to recycle the garbage. Funny how garbage gets recycled, sometimes it seems that it just won't go away, but there's a reason ..a reason for everything.. words which ring true. But then there's reason itself. For me there's only one thing more real than don juan as a sorcerer, and that was my own experience which was similar to Castaneda' s experience with Don Juan. Correction.. to assume authority over the realness of sorcerers is pretty pathetic so I try to assume the position of a witness..only I can't fully dedicate myself to that because life demands that I take an active role. One problem. I am lost, dumbfounded, addicted, hopeless, worthless, desperate, and worst of all ..pitifull and self important and almost spectacularly ridiculous. To the point where I see myself in the cartoons of south park, on a horrible day the Simpsons, even worse American dad, oh yes, cartoons..thank god we still have " real" life.. which is already sounding kinda anal ougue

As the title says my boyfriend doesn’t like emojis to the point that he apparently deleted them from his phone (didn’t know that was a thing) the problem is, is that I struggle with communication and putting words to feelings so whenever texting anyone I use emoji’s in these cases as that is part of how I’ve learned to communicate with people I text with. It’s not obsessive like some of those posts you see that use them like every other word though. It’s more of just using the laughing, shrug, crying and a few others, especially in cases where that would be my reaction if we were talking face to face rather then through text. I’ve tried explaining why I won’t/ can’t stop using them but he’s still trying to get me to stop to the point it is causing me distress and sometimes has me on the verge of tears. I don’t know what to do to get him to understand.
I will add that I have tried using less emojis and even not using them at all at one point but then I start getting really frustrated when I can’t make words work or word things, and without even thinking about it or meaning too; default back to using emojis. He’s obviously the person I text with the most but no one else that I do text with has ever mentioned that I overuse emojis.

okay so i’m 22 and I’m pathetic. Literally. if you search that word in a dictionary my face will pop up. Idek why i’m even typing this out on reddit for you all to see, but I am. My brothers and sisters are getting there lives on a path to success just like everyone else while I struggle to do so. Dropped put of college, gave up on life. I stopped caring pretty much about everything including myself. Addicted to nicotine. Unmotivated. I’m too anxious to go get a job. just the thought of going out someplace and asking for a job gives me anxiety. I’m tired all the time, but when i try to sleep it is difficult for me to. I still think about my horrible ex. Even though I hate her. she did cheat on me… but i can’t help think about how she’s doing or how she thinks of me even though she prolly thinks i’m a low life, which is true. i just play or stream video games all day because it helps me get out of my head and it’s the only place i feel comfortable and have friends. I also am very quiet so whenever i go in public it’s hard for me to talk even to my own parents, but when i’m gaming with my friends on discord it’s not a problem for some reason. I don’t feel worthy if even trying to pick my life back up. Idk why but i feel ashamed. Ashamed of who I am. I feel like i’m being judged 24/7 and that everyone knows I’m a low life loser. I have no idea what i want to do in life and I’m scared for my future. I have $70 in my account rn and idek how i’ll be paying my car insurance this month or the next. I just don’t know what to do. i don’t feel like doing anything. I don’t even have the motivation to do anything. Lowkey wanna die but i’ll never kms. just venting to the world and i don’t even care if you guys talk trash about/to me. i’m used to it. Just feel like venting. idek what i’m doing anymore. life seems pointless.

Installation: TexLive 2023 on Windows 10 64-bit
I ran install-tl-windows.exe in both standard and administrator. I received the following error:
Error:
error writing •file29b3f68ccn•: broken pipe while executing •chan puts •startinst" (procedure •run_installer• line 5) invoked from within •run installer• (procedure •main_prog• line 144) invoked from within •mam_prog• (file •C:\Users\*\AppData\Local\Temp\\nsf5B2F.tmp\install-tl-20230321\tipkg\installer\install-tl.gui.tcl• line 2117) line 2117)
​
Then I unpacked. In the install-tl-20230321 folder, I clicked install-tl-windows.bat in both standard and administrator and received the following error.
error writing •file1aeObc5f140•: broken pipe while executing •chan puts S::inst •startinst" (procedure •run_installer• line 5) invoked from within •run_installer• (procedure •main_prog• line 144) invoked from within •maln_prog• (file •F:\TexLive\install-tl-20230321\tlpkg\installer\install-tl-gui.tcl• line 2117 ui.tcr line 2117)
​
When I attempt to change path or change (the button with the word change) anything in the advance settings, I receive this message:
Error: error writing "file201c8f8f730": broken pipe
Details:
error writing "file201c8f8f730": broken pipe error writing "file201c8f8f730": broken pipe while executing "chan puts $::inst "checkdir"" (procedure "update_full_path" line 6) invoked from within "update_full_path" (procedure "texdir_setup" line 88) invoked from within "texdir_setup" invoked from within ".tdirb invoke " invoked from within ".tdirb instate !disabled { .tdirb invoke } " invoked from within ".tdirb instate pressed { .tdirb state !pressed; .tdirb instate !disabled { .tdirb invoke } } " (command bound to event) ​
How do I fix this problem?

If I could describe myself, I'd be a person who picked up all the bad genes, ranging from appearance to illnesses.
However, my appearance was always targeted by nearly all the kids. I had a big birthmark on my face, underneath the eye til the end of my nose which could never be hidden. I don't know what I went through as a kid as I have barely any memories but I know when I was 12, I heard things like "Who would even want you?" more than I heard anything. Everything I heard was "If only you didn't have x, you'd be beautiful". I was told that when I was a kid, I promised myself I'd get my birthmark removed so I guess some things DID happen, I just don't know which.
I removed my birthmark 4 years ago but I still feel the same. Unlovable, abomination, someone who doesn't deserve to be alive let alone be loved, I still feel overly conscious of my appearance to an unhealthy degree. Head down when met with huge amount of people and dissociation on the max, I fixed everything yet I still feel like my kid self with all those imperfections.
I was made fun of my arm hair as I am dark haired and I was 7 I think, I was told I didn't take off sweatshirts even when it was 35 degrees Celsius outside... in the summer. I never smiled because of my teeth gap and discoloration. I never wore a ponytail without a hairband on because of my butterfly and pointed out ears.
Til this day, I say that I have no other problem BUT people. If people didn't exist, I'd be carefree. I'd do stuff without having to conscious if someone will attack me, attack my sole being while I can't defend because what they're saying can't be denied, who can say I'm beautiful when I'm not? Who would want someone flawed when they can have someone perfect?
Today, I can't go out unless I'm fully shaved and even then I feel gross. I've been shaving since I was 9 so nearly 13 years without me seeing my body with hair. I can't sleep if I'm not shaved and it seems like an OCD obsession but no diagnosis here, it brings me huge distress when I feel any hair on me. I'm obsessed with being clean and even having (only) my room clean and I really hate myself when I can't match what other people have, I presume they're more clean than me. Outside of that, I suffer from depression and anxiety, was diagnosed with BPD but I'm not sure if it really fits me so you can imagine how hard some days are but that can't stop me from acting out on my obsessions.
Rationally, I know I was made fun of so I wouldn't say bullied but I only know it from some snippets and what other people have told me. I only remember a kid 3 years older than me asking me "Why did you put make up on?" referring to my birthmark everyday for who knows how long. Rationally I know but I don't know emotionally. I honestly never developed identity, I'm like a ghost who's dissociated 24/7 but it makes sense as I was probably dissociating from a young age. Even that makes me vulnerable, it makes me feel incompetent for this world where everyone wants to have voice and words but here I am not having any of that and feeling left behind.
If I always felt like I was a target, would it make sense for me to feel about everything the way I do right now? Was I only overly sensitive? I feel like my whole self was attacked while it wasn't even my choice but I still feel like a weakling for not being able to observe myself as I am right now, to work on it even more.
This is just a part where my appearance was attacked and how it made me feel unlovable but as I understood, there were also multiple situations which were continuous that could have made me react the way I do now. I just want to regain memories and finally lower the guard around them and understand what's going on, I don't want to be in the dark and wondering what happened during 5 years that I don't remember. I don't want to be so emotionally cut off from myself and go berserk when I'm triggered. I really don't.

Hello. I am looking for some part-time job to sustain my daily expenses. I am not able to apply for a work outside so I am looking for a Work from home job.. I can be your virtual assistant during night time (PH) for about 3-5 hours a day and 5 days a week. My employer abandoned me because his business is having a problem. He no longer able to pay me. Please. My skills: - Encoder - Research Agent - Excell Expert - Proof reading - Social Media Management - Microsoft word - Video Editing
Please hire me. I badly need this. The rate would be 5$/hr.

Dears,
while using a Creality ender 3 v2 and Ultimaker Cura I found a problem with scaling my 3D flower pot models.
While I have no issues printing smaller pots in the dimension of 10x7 cm when scaling the pot size up to 16x10 or so cm the wall thickness drastically increases. This makes the printing time exponentially longer.
Is there an efficient way to reduce the wall thickness to the minimum required thickness inside Ultimaker Cura?
Thanks for any help (: